Keeping the hard stuff handy for a tense election night

by Colin Campbell

ARE we just four days away from what’s being described by many as the “nightmare” of a Corbyn-Sturgeon alliance taking charge of the country? It could very definitely happen. But no amount of mental preparation for such an outcome can equip anyone for dealing with it if it does. Better keep a bottle of the hard stuff handy. There are extreme times when liquified oblivion followed by a murderous hangover is preferable to staying in the present.

 This election really is different. There’s been no comparison to it over the past four to five decades when I’ve enjoyed election night fever with its swingometers and “eat my hat” TV pundits and Screaming Lord Sutch candidates performing wild celebrations after they’ve acquired a couple of dozen votes at declarations.

 This will, instead, be a rather tense affair.

 This is a UK election which, if Jeremy and Nicola get their way, will be the last of its kind. There will be no more big British election nights.

 Both want to rip the country apart and change it forever. Both are inspired by people who loathe and despise “the British state” and want to see it torn asunder.

 And it’s a distinct possibility that these perfect soulmates could get the chance to start their life’s mission on Friday.

 Corbyn may be a bad joke to many – not least to people I know who in recent weeks have been paid as Labour Party staff members to get him elected – a “nightmare” job if ever I saw one.

 But it’s a grim fact – and not invented tabloid mud-slinging – that he has long been an inveterate terrorist sympathiser. Those of us who were around at the time clearly remember his prominence as a persistent apologist for the Provisional IRA at the height of “The Troubles”.

 To that extent – and whatever else may be said of her – he is very different, in a much worse way, from Sturgeon, who has never stooped to such depths.

 Unfortunately, there’s a whole generations of voters who barely have any recollection or knowledge of these times at all.

 To them, he is a warm-hearted, unifying standard-bearer who only wants to make the world a happier, safer, more equal place.

 They do not care if he cosied up to terrorists as they waged way in Ulster and on pubs crowded with a previous generation of young people on the British mainland. Not when he’s offering free broadband.

 Are there enough voters around who not only remember that grim time and Corbyn’s role in it, and who can also see through his endless list of benevolent freebies?

 The four-day week he promises with everyone still being paid the same; the £60 billion plucked out of nowhere to comensate the WASPI women; the massive across the board pay rise for all public sector workers, as just the most notable tip of the iceberg.

 Common sense dictates that there are, but amid the political turmoil of recent times, who can be even reasonably sure of anything?

 It may be insignificant to some but to my mind the most astonishing revelation about Corbyn was his belief that the Queen’s address to the nation is broadcast on Christmas day morning.

 Critics homed in on his capacity for lying when he claimed to watch it at that time. I was merely stupefied that someone could go through life for more than six decades without it registering, at some point, that the Queen’s speech is broadcast in the afternoon. It doesn’t matter if you ever watch it or if you love or loathe the Royal family. How could someone in full control of all their faculties NOT know that? As far as the staple diet of Christmas days over the decades go, it’s almost like saying you’ve never heard of Morecambe and Wise.

 The wizened old beardie, if padded out a bit, would make a very good Santa Claus for the average playgroup or shopping centre. Apart from the free handouts that’s not something, I imagine, he’d relish.

 Nicola Sturgeon, a much more convincing politician, would run rings round him in an Alliance.

 Both have maintained the pretence of keeping other at arm’s length during the election campaign, with Corbyn hinting that he’d be reluctant to grant her a second independence referendum “during the early years” of him being Prime Minister.

 In reality, she’d have a guarantee of indyref2 in her coat pocket by Saturday morning.

 It would fit perfectly into Corbyn’s desire for breaking up Britain, with it’s disgusting “imperial” past, and its record of serial warmongering against the IRA, the Nazis, and Hitler.

 Sturgeon would again be accused of abandoning all her principles by putting such a man in office as Prime Minister, and she’d no doubt be uneasy about it, but as she’s on the record as saying, “any price is worth paying” for independence.

 If Corbyn looks like becoming PM, the pound will crash to new lows overnight. That at least, is something we can be absolutely certain of. Just watch it happen.

 That’d suit Sturgeon, who would be delighted by the first clear signal of impending economic ruin. Why should Scots “undecideds” worry about the “currency question” that’s dogged her all along when the pound in your pocket becomes worth less by the hour?

 A new mickey-mouse Scottish currency worth next to nothing abroad might seem quite an appealing prospect in such circumstances.

 And Corbyn and Sturgeon would be perfectly aligned when it came to implementing new laws north of the border, like compulsory learning of Gaelic and “Scots” by everyone over the age of five, and lessons in transgender studies, equality and diversity taking prime place on every school curriculum.

 There’d also be complete unity between the pair about encouraging a mass influx of new EU migrants. Neither Corbyn nor Sturgeon are ever going to end up on a housing waiting list. And no-one in Corbyn’s affluent juvenile middle-class “Momentum” base would ever have to worry about being squeezed out of the jobs market, as mummy and daddy inadvertently fund them in devoting their time to pursuing class warfare in any case.

 And not one but two referendums next year – on Brexit and independence? Normal people with day jobs to contend with may recoil at such a prospect being foisted upon them. But Corbyn and Sturgeon, both fanatical zealots in their own own way, cannot and would not see that. We can only pray they’re denied the chance to deliver it.

 We’ll find out soon enough if the Corbyn-Sturgeon nightmare will indeed become a reality. The clock is ticking down to a minute past ten on Thursday night, when BBC anchorman Huw Edwards will announce the results of what in recent elections has been the unerringly accurate television exit poll.

 For my part, this will either bring a huge sigh of relief or an instant when I’m dumbstruck with horror.

 There will be many, many like me.

 Better keep a strong drink – or several – handy. Booze – the curse of the Scots – is never a solution to anything. But late on Thursday night, if things go terribly, dreadfully wrong, it may just have to be.

 

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